Random Observation/Comment #204: This soul searching business is wearing me out. I’ve written and thought so much about each subject methodically, yet I can’t make a solid decision. Every damn methodical and calculated approach has been used, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere (Where you goin’? – Nowhere). If I really had a passion for this thing (whatever this thing is), shouldn’t the answer be obvious? Maybe I just want to always continue soul-searching as an excuse to travel and prolong my final decision. Can I have a career in soul searching?
I’ve come to the conclusion that my twisted version of productivity and efficiency sets an invisible bar for my happiness. It has only happened recently, but I feel like the energy has been sucked from the marrow of my bones and all my muscles just mush with no will to do what I know I must.
This requires some background on my methods of productivity. When I was taking my large course-load at Cooper, I always found that there was one class that fell into a downward spiral of neglect. This class would actually act as my cushion and motivation to do other work because the assignments were so dreadful that I rather quickly do all the other stuff and leave this one for last. In most cases, it was some type of physics class or a class that involved the less hands-on projects and more of the abstract hand-waving that I would probably never realistically use.
Anyway, this odd method worked extremely well in the mindset and cluttered life of deadlines from a year ago, but the past few months has seemingly foiled my plans. I’ve changed to a different structure that requires a different approach. Some work still gets pushed aside while others are finished first, but the choice of the hindered subject seems to edge towards the path of most resistance, which incidentally is the much more important path. As hobbies have suffered in the past, I now find these flickers of enjoyment to be essential in my life.
In no way is this vacation lacking all the ingredients for happiness, but something pecks – nay, it tickles – at my brain to the point where it’s passed the line of “haha” and tip-toed towards “blahahaha I feel like my insides are going to explode from uncontrollable laughter. Continue and I will kick you in the face.” I’ve become slightly annoyed at myself that I don’t meet the deadlines I set even though I have full days with only a handful of tasks. This wave of laziness from the summer weather and random distractions just mucks with my mind. I’m befuddled at how little I get done and then I fall deeper into completing tasks for volume instead of necessity.
That bar was set so high, and now I’m degraded to lower it slowly without any apparent consequence. It’s, as if, I’m falling into a lull of mindless activities – and, hopefully, it’s just a lull. Even this blog slipped and just floated into a background obligation. It seems I’ve manifested problems where they shouldn’t exist. I thought my search was supposed to be simpler.
~See Lemons Defragment