Creative Breakups


awh... cute puppies
awh... cute puppies

Random Observation/Comment #138: If you see a girl on Valentine’s Day and you haven’t been dating, does that automatically count as the first day she’s your girlfriend?  Since I’m not in the right state of mind for a relationship, I will most probably break up with her for consistency.

Long term breakups have always been, and will always be, difficult.  I applaud those who can just shut the other person out and remove themselves from a routine of phone calls, text messages, and conversations like dropping a bad addiction cold turkey.  It takes a lot of will power to suppress those stalker tendencies, especially if you know you’re both in pain and dealing with it by finding temporary solutions.  That fading light of hope continues to catch your eye, but you know that what was will never be again.  Anyway, dealing with the breakup will be left for another entry.  This entry will concentrate on the different methods of breaking up with a girl.

I have always believed in the “proper method” of breaking up.  This is done face-to-face and can either end with a friendly hug or some flying food.  Obviously, there would be some discussion of these problems beforehand, but there really isn’t an easy way to break it off unless it was consensual.  All the other times usually end terribly with one side feeling a little bit worse than the other.  This is why I’ve developed a few interesting breakup ideas for the cowards who also want to make the other person feel bad.

  • Absentee breakup – just stop all communication, block the person from instant messaging, take down all pictures you have, and change your relationship status to Single.  This is expected as an after effect of breaking up, but just doing this without discussion could give a bit of a hint.  Definitely not nice and very confusing for the other person.  I guess, it’s just pretending you never even started dating.  This is the most common type of breakup, but I consider it the worst one.  Note that most girls consider themselves in a relationship, while the guy simply stops calling because he is no longer interested in dating.  This isn’t breaking up – it’s more like discontinuing the dating.  It would be nice if he/she called and said “I don’t think we’re right for each other,” so the other party is not always hoping for the next call, but the world sometimes sucks.
  • Text message breakup – “This isn’t going to work.  I’m out. Peace.”
  • Email breakup – Subject: Can we still be friends?
  • Over the phone breakup – “When are you home?  I’m going to need my stuff back…”
  • Social network breakup – Facebook/myspace/AIM messages.  Facebook status change.
  • Post-it breakup – Leave the message on a post-it note and put it on her computer monitor
  • Mirror-message breakup – Take a hot shower in her bathroom and write your breakup message on the steam in the mirror.  She’ll see it eventually…
  • Cliché scary movie breakup – Write your message on a mirror in lipstick or blood.  This could be a little bit creepster.
  • Black-light breakup – Write your message in highlighter above her bed on the ceiling.  Send her the black-light with a note with instructions.  This could be really romantic (if she doesn’t kill you for writing on her walls).
  • Book gift breakup – Buy a relationship book and write your breakup message on the bookmark.  Feel free to highlight certain sections in the book for areas that require improvement
  • Tag breakup – Graffiti her wall.  Try not to get caught.  I do not condone graffiti.
  • T-shirt breakup – It takes a little bit more effort, but I’m sure she’ll enjoy burning the t-shirt.
  • Sneaky note breakup – Put a hand-written note in her jacket pocket or wallet.
  • Messenger breakup – Hire someone to breakup with her for you.  Offer a Styrofoam bat to let out rage on the messenger.  I’m sure someone offers this service.  Sounds like a movie to me.  If the breakup is final, it would be nice if the person you hire to perform the breakup would be a good rebound.

I would personally never do any of these breakups, but they were immensely fun to think about.  Feel free to add your own.  This was a fun drunken-conversation.

~See Lemons See You Around

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