Random Observation/Comment #115: I have yet to become free from these binds, but I feel I deserve a small reward for completing the last written exam of my life (hopefully). This will be enjoyed with a quickie. It’s been a long time since the last post, so I hope I don’t publish prematurely.
I could have chosen many topics, but because of this season of cheer, laughter, love, and drunken relatives, I’d like to discuss the topic of addictions. This does not particularly point to alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine, or any other type of substance abuse, but rather the mentality of relying on a routine to the point where you’re no longer in control of your decisions.
To me, an addiction is when have that itch that you know only one thing can fix. It’s something so deeply rooted that you would feel empty not indulging in this habit. Your muscles tremor in withdraw, and your brain pulls you towards those moments you see engrained into your everyday life. Isn’t it such a wondrous feeling of fulfillment and excitement? I feel insecure without it, yet I feel weak in its presence. My heart says “Don’t stop,” but brain annoys me with “Don’t. Stop.” (Inflections and gravitas have never been in my repertoire of skills.) No matter how many times I’ve turned my back to walk away, it has crawled in front of me and stared at me with those tear-filled, puppy eyes. My will power is only so strong. My body can only take so much of this. How many times will it take to stay away? Why can’t we just learn from our mistakes?
The more I describe an addiction, the more I realize that hint of anger, internal conflict, and regret. The more these violent adjectives connect to my vital organs, the more I recognize the curves of her smile painted in my mind. An entry completely unrelated, yet there is a need to vent those locked rooms.
It was all about her. I can already hear the flood of reasons that comforted by denial at the time. “She is no longer the person you knew her as.” “Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over.” “You’re only thinking about that moment in your life, not that person in your life.” “If you love her, you’ll let her go.” “Why live in the past, when the present has so many possibilities for the future?”
The truth is – it’s not about her anymore. I’ve come to peace with this a long time ago. I am no longer an addict. I followed my own 12-step program without the religious shafting. There were times where I felt like every passing memory of her made that sutured heart bleed once more. It was difficult, especially during holidays made for lovers, but time healed my pain. Work saved me. Filling every clock cycle I had to offer with extraneous computations made the days pass faster. I stopped being curious. I stopped the stalker-ish tendencies. The new interests replaced old ones. I didn’t even notice it happen until I already made a full transition. You could try to blame people, guilt yourself, wallow in self-pity, or rebound with a wounded heart, but you’re pushing a process with different problems. Don’t rush it. Just let it be. Life keeps ticking.
~See Lemons Take a Break